"Should" is the Death of Happiness

Introduction

I had really severe anxiety for a long time. I would stay under the radar and hide from social interaction because of my fear of being noticed. Then at night, I would lay awake worrying about the day's events or what tomorrow would bring. I would have panic attacks on a semi-regular basis. It was not fun inside my brain.

I've put a lot of work into reducing these symptoms, doing research to find any tip or trick to find peace.  Over the next four weeks, I would like to share a few of the changes to my thought patterns that I found to be transformational for my mental health. 

Obligatory note: I am no therapist, I am not a licensed counselor or psychologist, and my advice should not be taken as gospel. Rather, these are the learnings of someone who wants to see the world be a happier, more worry-free place. 

Why I Eliminated the Word "Should" From My Vocabulary 

"I should be further along in my career"

"I should get into better shape"

"I should be happier with where I am in life"

These are all examples of thoughts that have previously made me feel bad about myself. Thoughts that served as anchors, creating a weight and a tension within myself that tormented me for some sustained period of time. 

The word "should" represented obligation or expectation, often leading to comparisons between the "correct" thoughts, feelings, or actions and reality.

I discovered two detrimental effects of using the word "should." Firstly, it created false and unnecessary expectations for myself. For instance, in the career example, I compared myself to an idealized career path that didn't exist, imposing unhealthy and unproductive pressure to be better— not because I wanted to, but because I believed I should.

Secondly, using "should" masked or minimized my own genuine thoughts and emotions. Hidden within each sentence was an unspoken truth representing what I truly felt:

"I should be further along in my career....but there is so much going on with my health, I just can't work as hard right now"

"I should get into better shape...but I'm working so hard that by the end of the day I don't have the energy to cook or exercise"

"I should be happier with where I am in my life.... but I am lonely in this new city and miss my friends"

By relegating my own thoughts and emotions to a secondary position, or not acknowledging them at all, I devalued my lived experiences compared to imaginary expectations. This created a tension within myself, making it harder to motivate myself and achieve my goals.

How I Changed This Pattern

Things changed when I began challenging the word "should". Every time I used the word, I made myself stop and reframe the sentence. Tedious, maybe, but the only effective way that I found the rewire my brain. Here's what those thoughts would look like today:

"I am going to focus on my health, but when I get better, I want to work hard to progress in my career."

"I am so tired after my day at work, it makes it difficult to cook and exercise. I want to put more effort into my physical wellbeing, so I am going to analyze my typical day to figure out how to make progress towards this goal."

"I am feeling lonely living in this new city and I miss my friends, even though there are a lot of good things happening in my life. I am going to invest more time in making friends and plan some trips to visit people in the meantime."

By eliminating the word "should" from my vocabulary, I've experienced a profound shift in my mental well-being. Here are the key lessons I've learned:

1) Embracing self-compassion and honoring my emotions

Removing "should" has allowed me to practice self-compassion and acknowledge my feelings and needs without judgment.  I no longer dismiss or minimize my emotions but instead seek to understand and address them, instead I acknowledge any complications or limitations I'm facing. This shift in mindset has helped me be kinder to myself, accepting that it's okay to prioritize my well-being and progress at my own pace.

2) Setting meaningful and flexible goals

By reframing my thoughts in terms of goals, I've become intentional about what I want to achieve. I focus on setting realistic and meaningful goals that align with my values. Embracing flexibility and adaptability, I can adjust my plans when necessary, recognizing that life is full of unpredictability.

3) Celebrating progress and growth

With "should" out of the picture, I've learned to celebrate my progress, no matter how small. By recognizing and acknowledging my efforts, I reinforce positive self-esteem and motivation, creating a cycle of self-improvement.

Conclusion

Eliminating the word "should" has been transformative for my mental health. It has allowed me to be kinder to myself, set flexible goals, and celebrate my progress and growth. By reframing my thoughts and focusing on honoring my own Authentic Journey, I've found a path towards inner peace and personal growth.

Remember, everyone's journey is unique, and it's important to find what works best for you. Reflect on the impact of "should" in your own life and consider the alternative perspectives and feelings that may be hidden beneath it. By challenging its influence, you may discover a newfound sense of freedom and empowerment on your path to well-being.

Stay tuned for my post next week, "Emptying My Mental Inbox".